Some days it is TOO MUCH

Today is one of those days. 

My children's 46 year old father is posting pictures of his 34 year old girlfriend posing on a bed, the bed my16 year old points out she used to sleep in as a child. It's not nefarious, no. Just her surrounded by some running shit I presume she got for free or that they're using to try and get other shit for free. Or money. Whatever. It honestly doesn't matter to me anymore. I see him for who he is choosing to be. Mostly, I'm embarrassed for him that he's acting like someone who doesn't have children, property to pay for and maintain, responsibilities, a job, etc. All of the things he's apparently turned his back on to play house like a teenager. 

I saw it, I made fun, rolled my eyes, and moved on. Until I saw my (actual teenager) daughter's post today.


Despite his claims that he will do better when he's "back home" in Colorado, where he's lived this blissful new existence for a whole 2% of his life, and for which he's willing to throw away everything else that ever mattered during the other 45 years and 2 months, his effort has dwindled to exactly what we should have expected and somehow are still surprised by. And it HURTS my child and therefore my heart.

He's texted his kid twice in the last two weeks. I can't even make excuses for him anymore. I used to tell them that their dad loved them and just didn't know how to show it to make them feel it. Seems like he knows exactly how to make someone feel it....just not them. They have the internet (and eyes) too. They see what I see and they feel. It's so terribly unfair to the incredible humans they are.

Sure, I am grateful that I am here for them, in all their forms and experiences. And I'm grateful we have open conversations about their feelings and whether they are comfortable that I share our stories. I'm grateful that I miss almost no moments and when I do miss them, they WANT to tell me. I'm so incredibly grateful that they're mine and that this hasn't ruined them. I am grateful that they are brave and remain open to love and trust and hope. 

I'm also desperately angry at the unfairness of it all. Sone days it's just too much to hold in.



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