True North. Returning to Me.

I spent the last several months equal parts angry and empty. It took nearly four months to burn through the rage that would flare each time some new injustice was uncovered. It took another two to accept the nothingness that all that fury earned me. Somewhere in there, I have started to build peace. Peace with the realization that my tribe is small and the people I trust are few, but fiercely loved and loyal. Peace with the realization that one day he turned his switch to someone new and my children and I ceased to exist in his world. Peace because I am learning to let go. Peace because I trust my children to know who I am and know their value. Peace that the balance of everyone's needs is no longer mine to maintain. And perhaps some satisfaction in knowing the balance doesn't exist in my absence. And so, to release that which is no longer mine to carry (the harsh and the anger) and to call back that which fills me, tonight I honored myself by the light of the moon and the heat...

No, not mine. He lacks empathy and consideration for others (other than the  singular person  in his orbit at  any given  time in his life), but  I’m not calling him crazy. Well, maybe. But I bet he’s desperately paint ing  the picture that I am  right now , just like his last two (only two) long-term girlfriends ,  who he moved in with as fast as possible and had or raised children alongside ,  were “crazy”. This blog post isn’t about those women, but I believe they both deserve a deep and humble apology. Because, knowing what I know now? I  am  pretty certain  they’re not crazy either. Did I hear stories that made them sound unhinged? Yes. Threats, desperate behavior like throwing his belongings from their shared home on the lawn or destroying a dozen  gifted  roses in anger, fights that lodged children squarely in the middle…  Did he tell me those stories to explain away what might have otherwise been perceive...

Below are some of the words that have been on my mind and their meanings.... Entitlement: The belief that ones is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment Entitlement might look like assuming your child is obligated to speak to you, visit you, or meet your new love interest just because you're their parent. It ignores the fact that you are largely absent in their actual day-to-day life, that you haven't previously taken into consideration how your actions might make that child feel, and that the effort you have decided to start making isn't yet reliable. Entitlement might also look like believing that because you do something that lots of people don't do as well as you, that everyone should celebrate you, give you money, and let you bypass the rules that apply to everyone else because you're special . Entitlement might also look like a "grandiose sense of self-importance" and "belief in being special".  Performative behavior: actio...

There are some upsides and some downsides to your ex-husband's secret girlfriend being a pseudo public figure. Upside: You found out your ex-husband HAS a girlfriend AND that she lives in the house you own together. Upside: You learn a lot about your now very secretive and uncommunicative ex-husband's financial choices, including said girlfriend living rent-free in that home, feeling very lucky that her "partner" is financially established (even though he's really not because he's borrowing money and paying the mortgage late) so that she has a free house to live in, the constant traveling that costs money, and that she is an unemployed stay-at-home...runner? that he apparently now supports (while telling me he cannot meet his financial obligations to his children).  There are some downsides too though, like Downside: learning your ex-husband moved his girlfriend into your co-owned home 7 months before you found out on Instagram. Downside: Getting to watch your...

 I've found it harder and harder to write lately. When I was raging, the feelings and therefore the words were easy. Because it was justified rage and that's all it was in the moment. I always say that anger is nearly always a mask for other emotions. As rage does, it started to fade into more honest, and far more complicated emotions.  I found myself in an alternating loop of writings that felt like petty drags on someone who doesn't care and baring deep wounds to my core, inflicted by someone who doesn't care. Maybe he cares, you say. Maybe he too is struggling to navigate this new normal (that he created by pretending he didn't have his girlfriend living in our house with him until I figured it out via texts to my kids, Instagram feeds, and kissy videos)!  I say nah. If he cared, he would have kept up with the two weeks where he texted our daughter daily (though not our son because that's not as satisfying because he isn't as interested in the brag photos...

 In the beginning it all felt very intense, like betrayal and lies and drama. This new information made me feel unsafe. How could someone I considered part of my circle have a whole life we were told nothing about? And how could it be SO public without us having known? How did we not notice? Looking back, I did notice. There were small things. I just couldn’t imagine it any other way than I had always seen it. As the weeks pass, I realize that for our lives here at home, it’s just the same old normal with a bit of new information. We’re back to once a week texts, if that. The kids are done talking about it. I’m the only one still checking in to see if they’re okay. They are and they aren’t, but since no one with any ability to make it better is trying, we’re where we are going to get. In the meantime, it’s back to out of sight, out of mind. I suppose it will flare at Christmas when their dad will resurface and expect them to have “processed” and they will have to decide what they w...