Words have meaning - Part 1

Below are some of the words that have been on my mind and their meanings....

Entitlement: The belief that ones is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment

Entitlement might look like assuming your child is obligated to speak to you, visit you, or meet your new love interest just because you're their parent. It ignores the fact that you are largely absent in their actual day-to-day life, that you haven't previously taken into consideration how your actions might make that child feel, and that the effort you have decided to start making isn't yet reliable.

Entitlement might also look like believing that because you do something that lots of people don't do as well as you, that everyone should celebrate you, give you money, and let you bypass the rules that apply to everyone else because you're special.

Entitlement might also look like a "grandiose sense of self-importance" and "belief in being special". 

Performative behavior: actions performed with the intent of influencing how others perceive the individual

Performative behavior may look like talking to others about how much you love and miss your children while spending all of your free time and money traveling to go running instead of making them a priority and visiting them.

Performative behavior may look like talking about how you race the course, not the entrants and then spending the next five minutes name-dropping about the entrants list. 

Performative behavior may come from a "demand for excessive admiration" fueled by a "preoccupation with fantasies about success, power, beauty, and idealization". 

Lack of empathy: the inability to understand and share the feelings of another

Lack of empathy might look like knowing someone is hurting because someone told you they are hurting, but continuing to behave in such a way that causes that hurt because you don't agree with or understand the feelings or the basis for them.

Lack of empathy may also look like knowing other people are impacted by a situation and have feelings about that situation, but you say (post) what you want, do what you want, publicly claim ownership over or frustration about a situation because YOU don't have those feelings about a situation and don't really care whether your words or actions hurt. 

Difficulty with boundaries: having trouble respecting the boundaries of others, often crossing someone's boundaries to get what they want

Difficulty with boundaries may look like sending your estranged wife who moved out three years ago flowers for your former anniversary. Or it might look like repeatedly bringing up your new girlfriend that your daughter has told you she is not interested in or willing to meet, talking about her, asking if she's given any more thought to meeting her, or telling her you're considering marrying her, but only once your daughter meets her. No pressure.

Difficulty with boundaries may also look like "exploitative behavior."

Vulnerability to criticism: reacting with anger, defensiveness, or withdrawal when faced with criticism or perceived slights. 

Vulnerability to criticism may look like having a girlfriend living in your jointly owned marital home and not mentioning it for 7 months. It may look like texts ignored for days at a time. It may look like lying about someone's age, how long they've lived with you, and how it came about. It may look like never trying to help people you claim to care about come to terms with something you did that hurt them, but instead giving them "time to process" the information without attempting to connect, understand, or repair. 

I hate that every single one of these phrases is part of the vocabulary I now use when describing my children, their struggles, and their father. 

But there are other powerful words forthcoming: family, healing, strength, growth, support, and love.