New normal . . . Same old normal

 In the beginning it all felt very intense, like betrayal and lies and drama. This new information made me feel unsafe. How could someone I considered part of my circle have a whole life we were told nothing about? And how could it be SO public without us having known? How did we not notice? Looking back, I did notice. There were small things. I just couldn’t imagine it any other way than I had always seen it.

As the weeks pass, I realize that for our lives here at home, it’s just the same old normal with a bit of new information. We’re back to once a week texts, if that. The kids are done talking about it. I’m the only one still checking in to see if they’re okay. They are and they aren’t, but since no one with any ability to make it better is trying, we’re where we are going to get.

In the meantime, it’s back to out of sight, out of mind. I suppose it will flare at Christmas when their dad will resurface and expect them to have “processed” and they will have to decide what they will tolerate and what they won’t. 

For my part, I realize that whether I’m willing to accept it or not, this is what they get. No amount of talking, pleading, explaining, or sitting with it will help me understand or “process.” Once I accepted that reality, I realized there is no new. The absent communication, the self-centered existence, the lack of responsibility, it’s all just wearing a different relationship and that’s not my problem anymore.

I’ll fight for what my kids need or step aside for what little they’re willing to accept, but the whole thing feels pretty nothing now. And that’s the new, same old normal. It was empty and dead and nothing before and it’s back to empty and dead and nothing with a lot more public declaration of love and attention elsewhere. And even that’s not that new.

So I think I’m done experiencing it. I guess it’s time for me to fill my cup, decide who I want to be when I’m not living for everyone else’s comfort. That’s mostly a lie, of course, because I’m a mom and they will always get everything they need from me first. But I’ll no longer devote any of my energy outside of our little version of family. It’s always been just us anyway. 🌲 🌳 🌴 

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