I can make the world work

Today has been so hard. I tried to keep my head in the right place. I spoiled myself with a pedicure. I was empowered and I wrote. I was inspired and I read. I worked in my garden, hands in the dirt, creating. I spent time with my family, with my kiddos. But I can feel the weight, every moment, like waking up from a nightmare, uneasy but unsure why until you remember. 

Watching my kids hurting today rips me inside out. I know they are as torn as I am, feeling their feelings, but wanting the discomfort to end. Unsure whether to reach out, not ready yet to forgive or trust, but knowing the silence hurts too. 

What's destroying me anew tonight is the idea that I can fix this for all of them. I have always been able to make the world work. I can put everyone at ease by simply agreeing to get back into my box, ill-fitting as it is. I could be the biggest person and take the kids to Colorado. I could be gracious to the woman living in my former life. I could wish my selfish, inconsiderate ex the best in his new life - the one who couldn't muster the littlest attention or affection for me and our children at the end of our marriage who has carved his entire life around this girl in six months. 

I could ignore all the things that have shattered my impression of my own world. And my own worth. It's a thing I have done, ignored my own feelings, for SO LONG. Way too long. I lived behind glass (when not trapped in that box), safe from anything too sharp, quiet, contained, controlled. I just don't think I can do it anymore. 

I almost even want to. But I can't. What message does that send? Do anything you like, I will accommodate. Hurt people, I'll make them ok. Discard me, discard them, replace us, we'll accept what space you have left. I can't do it anymore.

And so I am mourning what used to be. What can never be again. Our family together. The family we had built apart. The mutual respect. I don't know how to live now but us and them. And I don't know how to protect my kids from how unfair that is. I hope that they find a path. I'm sad I can't walk that path with them anymore. Maybe it's that more than anything....I can no longer walk alongside them as they pursue what is good for them because it's no longer good for me. In my life, I can't remember a time when I did what I needed ahead of anyone else. I just don't have any choice if I'm going to get through this. 

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